The week I went to two separate beaches. A new personal record.
The most interesting thing about my trips aren't the fact that I went to two beaches but that the two beaches, although both very "New York" in their heritage and nature, couldn't be any more different.
The Hamptons are filled with people who have more money than they know what to do with. They're not trying to keep up with the Joneses anymore, they're trying to keep up with the Rockefellers. It would be difficult for a group of towns to be more elitist. The place is like Park Avenue on crack
Coney Island, is in no way classy or elitist. It is surrounded by pretty poor section of Brooklyn and a amusement park that could easily be described as decrepit. Hell, in 2000 a roller coaster was torn down to "protect public safety."
It seems natural (to me, anyways) that these two areas should battle for the title of best New York beach. So here it is, a point by point rundown...
Category 1: The Beach itself
The Hamptons have nice clean beaches with pretty big waves that break close to the shore. How cute.
I stepped in dog shit at Coney Island while I was trying to avoid all of the broken glass. Not cute.
EDGE: The Hamptons
Category 2: Locals
The Hamptons:
Coney Island:
(by the way, Google's image searches for both "thug" and "rich snob" brought up some pretty disturbing porn)
EDGE: Coney Island
Category 3: If I wasn't in a relationship, where would I go to meet attractive females
The Hamptons:
I used Google's image search again and tried both "rich bitch" and "spoiled bitch" only to find even more porn, some of which included a tranny. I quickly gave up. I was basically looking for a girl with Gucci and Prada symbols all over everything that she owned and a scowl on her face. Not a tranny.
Coney Island:
EDGE: Neither. Not in a million years.
Category 4: People watching
The Hamptons:
People watching at the Hamptons is actually kind of fun if you play the game "day tripper wanna be or local." Of course, at one point you have face the realization that half of the beach is probably looking at you saying "definitely a day tripper wanna be."
Coney Island:
That gem of a cell phone picture was taken by Emily the day that we went to Coney Island. Needless to say, old men in speedos are all the rage at Coney Island.
EDGE: The Hamptons. I don't enjoy having the urge to vomit.
Category 5: Other things to do
The Hamptons:
Consumerism!!!
Coney Island
Old roller coasters that probably aren't all that safe!
EDGE: Coney Island
Category 6: Food
The Hamptons:
Lobster, caviar and other fun stuff that I can't afford.
Coney Island:
Overpriced fried [insert any edible object here].
EDGE: Coney Island
Category 7: Night life
The Hamptons:
Nothing to speak of.
Coney Island:
Possible death
EDGE: The Hamptons
Tie Breaker: Spectator sports
The Hamptons:
Wandering around on the streets looking for celebrities wandering on the streets. Apparently people do this quite a bit. Because if they get really lucky they'll be able to see this fine lady:
It's not for me. If I ever saw Martha Stewart I think I'd run in the opposite direction out of fear that she'd kill me so she can baste me in garlic and rosemary and then pan fry my leg in order to make a delicious appetizer for one of her dinner parties.
If you really want to see a celebrity in the Hamptons, drive around town at one in the morning looking for an obscenely drunk driver. It's probably Billy Joel.
Coney Island:
The Nathans 4th of July hot dog eating contest! Oh boy! Nothing says patriotism like scarfing down 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes as the Japanese guy next to you pukes at the last second! THAT WAS THE GREATEST MOMENT IN AMERICAN SPORTS HISTORY ACCORDING TO ESPN'S ANNOUNCER! He might have forgot when little Jimmy Green was plunked in the head by a 2-1 fastball to walk home the winning run in the 1982 Norton, Kansas Little League Baseball quarter final. Or, you know, any one of the ten billion American sporting moments that were greater than that.
EDGE: Coney Island.
WINNER: Coney Island 4-3
5 comments:
I have never been to either beach and feel my life is empty and unfulfilled now. Like, thanks a LOT.
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